Sunday, August 21, 2011

How many Sleeping Beauty characters are stupid? All of em.

I mentioned yesterday how insanely retarded Sleeping Beauty's characters were. Okay, so I said they were stupid, same thing. I'll start from the beginning; The happy kingdom has a kid, and fairies show up to bless her with beauty and song, because apparently genetics weren't enough to gamble on her being ugly. Or maybe her mom was hideous at birth and the faeries wanted to stack the deck in her favor. Anyway, Maleficent, an evil faerie, shows up pissed and crashes the party because she wasn't invited. Probably because she is the kind of person that crashes parties simply because she wasn't invited.


So she curses the kid; on her 16th birthday, she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die. Nice, curse a baby because her parents snubbed you, probably because you shit in the punch bowl once. Your name's Maleficent, for Christ's sake.

So Merryweather, who apparently is not as powerful as Maleficent (evil is always stronger in these things. Great message for the kids.) tweaks the curse so that the girl won't die, she'll just go into a coma until the man who loves her gives her a smooch. Remember this; it's important later.

So what do you think her parents do? Sit on it for the next decade and a half and then work on protecting their kid? Maybe help her find that special someone (they had already arranged her marriage to the kid from the next kingdom) so she could prick her finger and then immediately get a kiss? No, those would be simple solutions that a non-retard might consider. Instead, they do what any reasonable parents would do; they order every spinning wheel in the kingdom burned (how many livelihoods did that destroy?) and send their brand new baby daughter out to the woods to be raised by the faeries that were already not strong enough to stop the evil one in the first place.

The three faeries then proceed to raise her to be afraid of any and all strangers until it is time for her to go back to the kingdom and become the princess and marry the prince. On her 16th birthday. Now, think about this for a second; the curse says she will prick her finger on her 16th birthday. Not the day after, the day of. So why not wait 1 day? Nope, bring her out of hiding the fucking second she is actually in danger. They had 15 years, 364 safe days leading up to that day, and the rest of her life after it.

This is like going back in time and telling everyone involved with President Kennedy's drive through Dallas that he was going to get his brains blown out, they believe you, and wind up closing some libraries and sending him out anyway.

Sorry, dude. It turns out that a kiss from Marilyn Monroe would have stuffed your brain back into your melon. Guess you should have rethought that whole "shutting her up" thing.

So they wheel her out on the day she is fated to almost die (but not really) and Maleficent finds out and lures her into the castle tower and, because the girl is in a trance, makes her prick her finger on a spinning wheel she conjured out of nothing. Hmm. Seems like hiding her for her childhood was kind of a waste time. Maybe if they had waited one fucking day, that would not have happened. Shit, they could have lied about what day her birthday was and the evil one's plan would have been fucked. Apparently, the kingdom was slaved to stupid.

But don't worry, to spare the parent's grief of their daughter being asleep until they could find someone who really liked her, the good faeries put the entire kingdom to sleep.

What?! Wait, hold on a second. You mean to tell me they can knock out an entire country, but they can't lift a curse? So they find out that the princess has indeed found a true love and it's the prince she was arranged to marry. Sweet! But he's been captured by Maleficent. So no biggie, the y just teleport in and free him.

What the fuck? They can teleport? And they give him a magical shield and sword. I think they were holding  out the whole time. Either that, or they spent the princess's childhood in the woods killing boars and gaining XP.

So the prince rides to the sleepy kingdom to give the princess a kiss, and Maleficent shows up and turns into this:


Wait a godamn minute.... What was that shit with the spinning wheel? She clearly was acting purely out of spite, why not turn into a dragon and bite the princess in half? If you wanted to crush the parents emotionally, I think bisecting their kid would do that.


You can see how this all worked out; the entire story is filled with dilemmas with a clearly right decision and a clearly wrong one, and they all choose the wrong one. The prince is the only non idiot in the whole thing, once he is done being fucked with, he simply goes and stabs the dragon, kisses the girl and saves the day.

Instead of "Sleeping Beauty", it should be called "The Prince in the Sea of Stupid."

Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Queen from Snow White

First off, if you are still following this blog, holy shit, and thank you.

Next, my kid is watching Snow White, and a thing occurred to me; why does the queen try to have Snow White killed? Because she is younger and more beautiful? She was a sorceress and presumably had the political power to treat the princess of the kingdom like a peasant and the magical ability to polymorph into an old woman and brew apple poison that would have made the princess sleep forever; that is some serious shit.


 Not to mention the fact that she had a sentient omniscient mirror at her disposal. Speaking of the mirror...

Did Snow White suddenly blossom into a woman that morning? Was she a troll until that day, somehow waking up with porcelain skin and beautiful hair? Did she suddenly grow boobies? I ask these things, because as the story goes, at least what we see in the movies, the queen was apparently the hottest piece of tail around until that fateful morning at the beginning of the film.

Or maybe he was lying to shut her up. Or just a dick who nearly got a kid killed because he was tired of saying "Oh, you're totally hot still... You're what? 50? What are you hoping for? Bo Derek had wrinkles at 50 and Demi Moore looks like a fucking dude now. But yeah, you're a total dish."
She is so vain, she has her huntsman take the girl out into the woods to not just kill her, cut out her heart and bring it home in a box. Seriously? What the fuck, Disney?! My 5 year old daughter watches this. For perspective, the last movie I watched on the very same Blu-Ray player was Rango, which had exactly 0 heart-murders, even inferred. Before that? Equilibrium, which has a face sliced off and a shitload of shooting, but still; no hearts being cut out of girls.

So we've established that the queen is a wizard, a powerful one, and President for Life. Why not slip some ugly potion into Snow White's oatmeal? Or have your maid throw some battery acid in her face? The point being, literally every alternative to "Trust a third party to go somewhere that I can't see to do something that would have made Hitler pause" would have been better. But she does, and what does a woman so self absorbed she'll sentence a royal child to death because she was better looking do?

Turn herself into this:



That makes sense. That's like fancying yourself the best smelling lady in the land, and then rolling around in cow pies to get revenge on the person judged better smelling. Never mind the fact that the mirror sees fit to tell her the next day that she still isn't the fairest. He knew Snow White was still alive, yet slept on it because, you know... He's apparently a big fat dong of a mirror.

That dress doesn't make your ass look fat; your ass does. 
And the wrinkles on your forehead look like a scrotum. How's it feel to be second best?

Then there is the fact that despite being the ruler of a kingdom, she opts to go take out Snow White herself. Okay, I will grant her that the last person she sent fucked her pretty good, but at this point she knew where the princess was; living with dwarfs. Keep in mind, these weren't "Little People, Big World" dwarfs that are just people, these were fantasy dwarfs. Like Gimli.

Hi-ho, motherfucker.

Okay, so Peter Jackson won't be hiring me to pen shitty one liners any time soon, but the fact remains that the 7 dwarfs wind up being what I have come to expect from dwarfs after over 20 years of Dungeons & Dragons; they grab pickaxes and chase the old bitch to her doom. And by doom, I mean, struck by lightning, falling off a cliff, and a giant boulder falling the same distance on top of her. (Seriously Disney... What the fuck?)

I guess what I am getting at is that if she had kept away from stupid knee-jerk reactions, she could have saved herself a lot of grief. I mean, Jeffry Dahmer was a bit of an idiot, and even her managed to kill 17 people. You're in charge of a country, exercise some creativity for Christ's sake.

On the other hand, at least she didn't reach the magnitude of stupidity displayed good and evil alike in Sleeping Beauty, but that's a different post for a different day.