Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Queen from Snow White

First off, if you are still following this blog, holy shit, and thank you.

Next, my kid is watching Snow White, and a thing occurred to me; why does the queen try to have Snow White killed? Because she is younger and more beautiful? She was a sorceress and presumably had the political power to treat the princess of the kingdom like a peasant and the magical ability to polymorph into an old woman and brew apple poison that would have made the princess sleep forever; that is some serious shit.

 Not to mention the fact that she had a sentient omniscient mirror at her disposal. Speaking of the mirror...

Did Snow White suddenly blossom into a woman that morning? Was she a troll until that day, somehow waking up with porcelain skin and beautiful hair? Did she suddenly grow boobies? I ask these things, because as the story goes, at least what we see in the movies, the queen was apparently the hottest piece of tail around until that fateful morning at the beginning of the film.

Or maybe he was lying to shut her up. Or just a dick who nearly got a kid killed because he was tired of saying "Oh, you're totally hot still... You're what? 50? What are you hoping for? Bo Derek had wrinkles at 50 and Demi Moore looks like a fucking dude now. But yeah, you're a total dish."
She is so vain, she has her huntsman take the girl out into the woods to not just kill her, cut out her heart and bring it home in a box. Seriously? What the fuck, Disney?! My 5 year old daughter watches this. For perspective, the last movie I watched on the very same Blu-Ray player was Rango, which had exactly 0 heart-murders, even inferred. Before that? Equilibrium, which has a face sliced off and a shitload of shooting, but still; no hearts being cut out of girls.

So we've established that the queen is a wizard, a powerful one, and President for Life. Why not slip some ugly potion into Snow White's oatmeal? Or have your maid throw some battery acid in her face? The point being, literally every alternative to "Trust a third party to go somewhere that I can't see to do something that would have made Hitler pause" would have been better. But she does, and what does a woman so self absorbed she'll sentence a royal child to death because she was better looking do?

Turn herself into this:

That makes sense. That's like fancying yourself the best smelling lady in the land, and then rolling around in cow pies to get revenge on the person judged better smelling. Never mind the fact that the mirror sees fit to tell her the next day that she still isn't the fairest. He knew Snow White was still alive, yet slept on it because, you know... He's apparently a big fat dong of a mirror.

That dress doesn't make your ass look fat; your ass does. 
And the wrinkles on your forehead look like a scrotum. How's it feel to be second best?

Then there is the fact that despite being the ruler of a kingdom, she opts to go take out Snow White herself. Okay, I will grant her that the last person she sent fucked her pretty good, but at this point she knew where the princess was; living with dwarfs. Keep in mind, these weren't "Little People, Big World" dwarfs that are just people, these were fantasy dwarfs. Like Gimli.

Hi-ho, motherfucker.

Okay, so Peter Jackson won't be hiring me to pen shitty one liners any time soon, but the fact remains that the 7 dwarfs wind up being what I have come to expect from dwarfs after over 20 years of Dungeons & Dragons; they grab pickaxes and chase the old bitch to her doom. And by doom, I mean, struck by lightning, falling off a cliff, and a giant boulder falling the same distance on top of her. (Seriously Disney... What the fuck?)

I guess what I am getting at is that if she had kept away from stupid knee-jerk reactions, she could have saved herself a lot of grief. I mean, Jeffry Dahmer was a bit of an idiot, and even her managed to kill 17 people. You're in charge of a country, exercise some creativity for Christ's sake.

On the other hand, at least she didn't reach the magnitude of stupidity displayed good and evil alike in Sleeping Beauty, but that's a different post for a different day.

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