That right there is a picture of a brutal pummeling instrument. Now, that is just a picture I found on Google image search, not my wife's minivan, but the design is pretty similar. I have walked into those fucking things plenty of times in the past, but this morning I had an incident that convinced me they are pure evil and must be stopped, like a much more boring version of the machines in Maximum Overdrive.
I had opened the back of the van to remove a bunch of boxes and to put trash in the back because we have to take our trash to the dump (every day is trash day for us!) and as I stepped around the back of the van with 2 large bags of garbage, the rear door leaped out and punched me in the forehead. I swear this; I did not just walk into it, because I have suffered several head injuries, some traumatic (like the time a 50 lb table hit me in the head and I had to get 7 staples in my scalp to close it up. That made me dizzy and bloody.) but this morning, my vision went black, then I saw stars.
That's "getting attacked" behavior, not "stupidly walking into an inanimate object" behavior. My head has been swimming all morning and I want nothing more than to crawl under my desk and sleep, which I am pretty sure is a symptom of a concussion. Or maybe a symptom of not enough coffee, but I will go with the more dramatic option because it make me feel like a TV character instead of some random idiot who didn't look up.
This is not the first time I have walked into the rear door of my wife's van, although it is (so far) the most painful and the only one to give me a lasting headache, so if I should happen to not wake up tonight, I would like to say "kiss my ass" to everyone on planet earth for not making my stay here more comfortable and loaded with beer and lap dances from my wife.
If I don't die, then I am totally kidding, I love you all and keep following my blog because I need the attention. And always keep your eyes peeled for low-hanging mini van doors; you never know when one may be lurking nearby, just waiting to brain you and doom you to an eternal sleep.
I've heard they even sneak onto airplanes.
And if there is a Hell, I am going to it.